Why Do I Always Feel Like Too Much in My Friendships?

Be honest. How many times have you rewritten a text that was eight words long?

You type it. You delete half. You tack on "no worries if not!" and a smiley face so it doesn't sound mad. Then you delete the smiley face because now it seems needy. You finally hit send and check your phone eleven times in the next hour.

Hi. I see you. You're in very good company, and you are not too much. But I understand why you feel like too much in friendships, so let's get into where that comes from and what you can do with it.

What "too much" sounds like in my office

Nobody sits down with me and says, "I'd like to explore my attachment patterns." What I actually hear is, "I'm always the one who reaches out." Or, "I overshare and then want to crawl under a rock." Or, "I remember everybody's birthday, and I feel so petty for noticing when nobody remembers mine."

These are women who apologize for rambling in voice memos. They'll drive forty minutes to help a friend move, but they'd sooner eat crackers in bed than ask anyone to drop off soup when they're sick.

And under all of it there's the same quiet fear: if I'm not careful, I'll be a burden, and people will leave.

Where it comes from

Your earliest relationships taught your nervous system how much closeness was safe and what it might cost you. Maybe you were the kid everyone called "so easy" or "so mature." Maybe you figured out early that your big feelings made the grown-ups uncomfortable. Either way, you probably got really good at shrinking. You learned to read the room, keep the peace, and need as little as humanly possible.

That's attachment in plain English. It's the playbook your body uses to stay close to the people you love. Yours might read: give a lot, ask for almost nothing, and never be the problem.

It's a smart plan when you're eight. By thirty-five it's exhausting. When you're always the one giving, nobody gets a chance to give back, and you can end up lonely inside friendships that look totally fine from the outside.

Why friendships hit so hard

There's a mountain of advice about dating and marriage. Friendship gets a lot less airtime, even though for so many women, friends are the people who carry us day to day. Friendships also don't come with rules. There's no anniversary, no official check-in, nobody stopping to ask, "Hey, are we good?" So if you're wired to watch for rejection, friendship gives you a whole lot of silence to fill with worst-case stories.

She takes two days to text back. The group chat goes quiet right after you share something real. You see photos from a dinner you didn't know about. Each one can land in your body like a tiny emergency, even when your brain knows the explanation is probably boring.

That tight, braced feeling after you say yes when you meant no? It's coming from your nervous system. It doesn't say anything bad about your character. I wrote more about how that works in What Does "Nervous System Regulation" Actually Mean?

A few things I'd love for you to try

You don't have to fix every friendship by Friday. Start small and see what happens.

Next time, send the text once. Write it, read it one time, send it, and then put your phone in another room for twenty minutes. The urge to check is going to be loud. Let it be loud. It'll pass, I swear.

Watch for the over-explaining, too. When you catch yourself tacking three sentences of apology onto "I can't make it Friday," cut one. Next time, cut two. A plain no isn't rude.

When a friend offers to help, say yes before you can talk yourself out of it. It'll feel deeply weird. That weird feeling is your old playbook getting rewritten.

And when you're spiraling over a slow reply, ask yourself what story you're telling about it. It's usually some version of "She's finally sick of me." Just catching the story gives you a little breathing room.

Here's one that's harder to hear. Not every friendship is going to be a two-way street, and that's not proof you're unlovable. Some friends are wonderful for texting about reality TV and not so great for the hard stuff. You can love them for what they are.

How I help with this

When we work together, we look at where your playbook started and how it's running your life now, with friends, with family, and sometimes with a partner. I use ACT and nervous system tools so the change doesn't stay stuck in your head. You actually feel it in your body. This is individual therapy, so the whole hour is about you. Fair warning: that might feel a little awkward at first. You can read more about my relationship and attachment therapy.

And if you're a nurse, teacher, therapist, or any other kind of helper, I'd bet this pattern follows you to work. The over-giver in the friend group is usually the over-giver on the clock, too. I have a whole page on therapy for helpers for exactly that.

When you're ready

I work with women virtually all over Illinois, whether you're on the North Shore, out in the western suburbs, or down near Carbondale. All you need is a quiet spot and decent Wi-Fi.

If this felt a little too familiar, book a free consult call and let's see if we're a good fit. Bring the over-explained text if you want. I promise I won't think it's too much.

Questions I Hear a Lot

Is it normal to feel rejected when a friend doesn't text back?

So normal, especially if your nervous system learned early to keep a close eye out for disconnection. The hurt is real even when the rejection usually isn't. I'm not trying to get you to stop caring. I want you to be able to feel the sting and still have a good rest of your day.

How do I stop people-pleasing with my friends?

Start tiny. Notice when you're about to say yes on autopilot and give yourself a beat before answering. "Let me check and get back to you" is a complete sentence. In therapy, we can also get curious about what you're afraid will happen if you say no. That's usually where things really start to shift.

Can attachment patterns change when you're an adult?

Yes, they really can. Your nervous system keeps learning for your whole life. Every time you show up as yourself and the relationship holds, your body files that away, and over time it adds up.

Do you see friends or couples together?

No, I only do individual therapy. We'll talk plenty about the people in your life, but your sessions are just for you.