The Ego Doesn’t Have ‘to die’
The Ego is Part of Our Social Development
I’ve been thinking about the concept of the ‘ego’ a lot lately. The ego has also been called the Default Mode Network (DMN). Essentially, developing an ego is necessary for human development and understanding your connection to yourself and others. Our ego helps us sort out the various stimuli we are subjected to on a regular basis and helps us process it in a way that doesn’t overwhelm us. Anyone that has taken child psychology knows that a two year old doesn’t know the difference between her perspective and your perspective. If you ask a two year old to move because they’re blocking your view of the TV, they will move in a position where their view is better. The two year old isn’t selfish, she’s just developing her sense of self.
How Some Spiritual Communities View the Ego
For people that have spent any amount of time in “spiritual communities” outside of traditional religious settings (i.e. Churches, Synagogues, Mosques etc.), there is this idea of needing to “transcend” or allow the ego to “die” in order for complete spiritual transformation, enlightenment or to truly experience joy. Other phrases people have used include ‘dissolution of the ego’ or ‘psychic death’. People also connect it with Kundalini awakening or achieving Sumadhi. There is a subtle message that if you haven’t experienced ego death, you aren’t as evolved and there is an element of shame. It seems like the ego is treated the same way that conservative churches have treated sex, often ignoring it and treating it like it’s a dirty word. The Gaia Network is obsessed with the movie The Matrix and often talks about how people that have not gone through ego death are not living in true reality. While I did pay $99 for my yearly Gaia subscription and enjoy the shows, I would have to disagree with Gaia on this one.
Some spiritual mentors will say that ego death is something that you cannot intentionally pursue in and of itself making it seem even more illusive. I think it’s similar to the Biblical idea that in order to gain your life, you must lose it. There’s definitely some wisdom there. If we hold on too tightly to what we think our lives should look like (how we look, our careers, our partners), we lose the ability to truly find joy in our lives because we are so concerned about losing those things or maintaining the level of success we’ve achieved.
Giving Up Control and Ego Death
Giving up control is a huge part of ‘ego death’ and can be healthy. For many aspects of our lives, the more we try to control the less control we have. At least this is the perception of someone that is trying to have more control because they are painfully aware that they don’t have it. Whereas, someone that is not as controlling is not as focused on it and can go with the flow more easily.
At the risk of being Captain Obvious–the need to control people and situations is a prime suspect when it comes to anxiety and depression. I really do think that if people are able to accept that they will never have complete control, their overall well-being would greatly improve. This does not mean that you are a passive participant in your life. You still need to continue working on “adulting” (I’m convinced this is a lifelong process that will never be perfected, at least for me) and make informed choices with the understanding that unexpected shit happens (these last few years have been rough). Mindfulness based therapies (which are based in science AKA evidence based) have this as a backbone in their theories.
Just to be clear, I’m not against attempting to achieve this state of consciousness. I have had times when I have perceived that I’ve disconnected with my ego and I’m able to just completely let things go. My mind goes completely blank and I feel as though I’m nothing and everything at the same time or I’m simply just being. It’s a great feeling and if we are able to experience this in moderation, I think it could be helpful at reducing the effects of stress and we can take the experience and re-integrate it when we come back to our normal state.
How The Ego is part of our Mental Health
With that said, part of my mission for my practice is to help people understand the connection between mental health and spirituality. I think that sometimes there is a disconnect between spirituality and mental health. I believe that while we are spiritual beings, we are also people in physical bodies with different personalities, relationships and sensibilities. Keeping the ego balanced is important for mental health and overall well-being. If we deny that the ego is important, we deny that we are people. If we deny the ego too long, we may neglect our physical, social, mental and emotional health. We are whole people.
Starting a Meditation Practice
To put this concept into practice, I will use the example of meditation or someone that is simply trying to practice daily mindfulness. These are great goals but it is possible to be too hard on yourself, especially if you’re just starting out. We’ve all been there, stand-up comics have done sets on it (myself included). You have this intention to be mindful and simply allow thoughts to come and go. Out of nowhere you start to actively engage with a thought and then after 5 minutes you realize that you’ve been actively engaging in thinking about this thought. It could literally be anything. I personally find that I end up analyzing conversations that I had the same day or the day before (what else would you expect from a therapist) but the thoughts that you may get hung up on may be different. My personal advice for when this happens is to just laugh it off if it’s something trivial, provide yourself with a comforting statement if the thought is distressing and most importantly don’t get hung up on it and beat yourself up– this would be counterintuitive to what you’re trying to do.
What To Do When We Feel Like Our Ego Is Getting In The Way
I like to think of the ego as a young child (think around the age of 7). Healthy parents are able to give their child specific praise and affection, helping the child to develop a healthy sense of self. By doing this, parents are communicating that the child is worthy and of value and that they matter to them and to others. As adults, we sometimes need to be our own parents. Hopefully, we have been able to develop our ability to self-soothe and self-regulate as adults, thanks to our parents helping us out when we were little and co-regulating with us. When we are trying to get into that “sacred space” and go deeper only to have our ego get in the way, gently acknowledge the ego as if it’s a child that needs attention. There is a reason that this thought or feeling is coming up. If an anxious thought comes up like, “ I said something really stupid”, try comforting yourself and saying something like, “I’m loved by my friends and family and they understood what I meant, it’s okay”, then continue with your practice. Afterall, you wouldn’t wish for a child to die! Just be gentle and kind with yourself. Meditation takes time and practice.
Resources
Here are some other tips to help you get into a meditative or sacred space. Try several of these and see which ones work best for you, hopefully this will get your creative juices flowing:
Listen to binaural beats with headphones
Listen to Solfeggio frequencies (here’s my favorite one from Youtube: Meditative Mind has a lot of great stuff): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTB0wYZTXxw&t=4606s
Go to a Gong Wash or Sound Journey (sound therapy just helps clear out all the excess junk in your head)
Go on a mindfulness walk in the forest or go forest bathing
Listen to a self-hypnosis or Reiki Youtube video relating to spirituality of your choosing Michael Sealey— https://www.youtube.com/c/MichaelSealey and Reiki with Anna—https://www.youtube.com/c/ReikiwithAnna are my top favorites on Youtube)
Burn some incense or sage (sage is great for clearing and Palo Santo is great for amplifying intentions, choose whichever one you’re drawn to at the time).
Use essential oils: Frankincense and other rich essential oils are known to help people in their spiritual practices but choose oils that you are drawn to. I use a Frankincense and Myrrh oil that I get at Walgreens during my self-Reiki sessions. I massage it on my feet, neck, head and temples.
Take a bath and use some of your favorite calming essential oils– lavender and frankincense are beautiful together
Use prayer beads, meditation balls or hold crystals to stay focused during meditation. I personally like to put a large rose quartz crystal on my chest as this is calming.
Practice some yoga or other movement based practices if sitting is not your jam
Keep your phone out of site and out of mind (unless you’re using it for sound therapy)
Written By: Robin Suzanne LCSW and Reiki Level II Practitioner
Disclaimer: This website, Turquoise Owl Therapy PLLC should not be used to replace mental health or medical care. . If you have a medical or mental health condition please contact your physician or a mental health professional.